And then everything became history

As I was scanning through some old journals, I was surprised on how bitter and very disconnected to the world I seem. I don’t even know why I have such negative vibes back then. My high school and early college life was as dead as a desert (according to my journals). As I remember, I’ve got set of friends and a normal life that many would call it. But I don’t know why I was able to write those pessimistic thoughts. I even composed some poems with eerie and dark tones. Almost every month, words and phrases consist of suicidal thoughts and how I turned out to be such a failure. Almost everything that I do is a mistake and I even made a warning sign which states, “Beware! Prone to Make Mistakes”.

My world before was merely categorized into three: fears, frustrations, and rejections. I hate life. I hate myself. I hate people. Thus, I kept myself detached and emotionless. Only one or two were trusted. I pity myself for not trusting people, even my friends. I’d rather be with myself than be with anybody else. Silence has been (and still) my clothing and food. Life back then wasn’t life at all. Or maybe that’s how I learned how life should function. It’s just merely breathing and noticing what I haven’t accomplished with the pressured expectations glued to the future.

Reading and seeing all those sorrowful sketches and scribbles made me question my personality, I was almost schizo back then.  I was lost in the trance of reality and got confused with my built-up world. But it’s so weird that I wasn’t able to record some happy thoughts, when I still remember all the fun moments I had with my friends. Maybe it’s just some other high school or early college tantrums or whatever. What if I’m not really lonely and sorrowful? Who knows? Maybe If I were to speak to my teenage self, I’d say to her, “Keep holding on. This battle is not yours, but God’s. You haven’t figured out the key yet, but sooner or later you will. But in the meantime, the best training is to guard your heart and be still. The faithful you will find its way to deriving the right equation to happiness and contentment. Hang in there, kiddo.” That’s it. Hello, life.

Seeing where I’ve become right now, I’d say that I’m happy and very much contented. Yes, there are still sorrowful episodes, but I think it’s a constant variable included in life. Although I am still struggling on what I really wanted to do, I think I’ll figure it out along the way. But currently, I am living life without fear, frustrations, and rejections. Happy kid right here!

The Killing

Nakakatakot. Nakapatay ako sa panaginip. Nasaksak ko ang aking kaklase nung college, kasi ginapos niya ako e dinedepensahan ko lang naman sarili ko. Sasaksakin niya ako ng kutsilyo, pero nakuha ko kutsilyo at ako nakasaksak sa kaniya. Tumakbo ako ng sobrang bilis para hindi ako mahuli ng otoridad tas nagtago sa likod ng malaking bato. Sa sobrang hingal nagising na ako. Nakakatakot. Paggising ko nanginginig ako. Bangungot. Waah! Ang weirdo kasi hindi naman kami close di ko alam kung bat ko siya napanaginipan wala rin naman akong pakelam sa kanya kaya sobrang out of the blue ganon yung mangyayari.

Once a Week

I go to places. Sometimes I know where I’m going, sometimes I don’t. It doesn’t really matter. I don’t mind being lost; I could always ask somebody, so why be threatened of not going back home? Whenever I got surplus time in my hands, I take off at a bus/train station that I haven’t been before. It’s fun. The strange feeling of stepping into a new place give me sense of freedom and excitement. Somehow, I could understand why sometimes I wanted to be isolated and surrounded, and other times be surrounded but isolated. I guess that’s the reason why I have a sudden impetus of being all over the map.

It’s a small world. And people occupy it. They leave, but they come back. Let them go to places again and again. Allow them to push and complain and get mad. Give them room for regrets and apologies. At the end of the day, they’ll remember their manners and become people again. Perhaps, they’re just exhausted or not themselves at that moment. The entire human race is so mysterious, but sometimes if you get to know yourself first, it would be easier for you to read and comprehend each of them.

 

 

I’ll come across how powerful people are. They could trap trains and make buildings within a building.  I think that’s very awesome! We got the whole world in our hands.

And then in my awe,  I try to capture them to bits. I’m acting like a microscope. I wanna see their inside and count how many atoms and molecules they consist of. Okay. Enough.

 

 

Then I get into unlocked doors full of books and then I die. And  suddenly I remembered something—I.HAVE.NO.MONEY. I pity myself, because I can’t afford to take home everything I want and I’m afraid that when I come back there and got enough money, they’re gone. Kahit saan na lang hindi meant to be. Tsk tsk. Hahaha!

 

 

I read a little. Roam around. And just make myself feel at home. Until my eyes caught something, which lead me to ask God why I couldn’t draw hardcore like this. Bow down! Parang nakapikit pa habang dino-drawing. Whew!

 
Then off to go to somewhere again. This is what I do. Walk. Take pictures. Have fun. Sometimes it’s fun to be with others, but sometimes it’s more fun walking alone. Wala kang aalalahanin kung nabobore na yung kasama mo o hindi. Wala kang tatanungin kung gusto ba nila o hindi pumunta sa ganito o ganung lugar. Hindi mo na din iisipin kung pagod, nagmamadali, o bagot na. In short, wala ka lang aalalahaning iba.

The Bubblegum Floor Art, maybe in ten years or so. Hakhak. I’ll add green and pink gums some other time. And then my friends could see my legacy. Meanwhile, let’s go home. The bus can’t wait for me.

Uwian na. Matagal-tagal na lakbayin ito. Buti na lang may baong aklat at musika. Whew. Hindi ako pang-Ingles. Hindi kaya ng blog ko. Hahahahaha! Hanggang sa muli! :)

Street Music

Life is good. But there will be days when you hate the world, and suddenly you’re coiled up with anger in your heart and you just can’t explain why you have so much hatred. You wanna escape. All you want to do is shut the world around you and not let anyone get in to your confines. You walk miles and miles trying to breakaway from your feelings. You follow a sea of people fumbling through the big city. Busy. Mad. Blank-faced. They have their own feelings, too. Somehow, you’ll realize that you’re the only one who pays attention to loathe the world so much. And you realize you could be like them. Maybe not today, but someday.

You are really trying to let go of that negative emotion. You continue creating your own world until you bump into some different world. BOOM! At last, a barnburner come across your path– MUSIC. It gives you a sense of comfort. It clears your mind even though you don’t know the meaning of the song. Just listening to the perfectly synthesized notes and frequency will sedate whatever rage you have. Truly, the best things in life are free.

You know how weird life is? It’s that moment when you realize there’s no point in hating the world just because it makes you feel bad. And the fact that you don’t know why your heart is full of hatred, so why bother hating?  Hating is not owning,you can let it go. Hakhakhak.

PS. People are so busy. Therefore, they don’t have a life. Just kidding. Hakhak. I know this The Beatles wannabe is not as good as the original, and their voices went to an awkward pitch somewhere along the song, but hey! Who could resist to listen to a Beatles song, especially on a Monday afternoon? Almost everybody is busy, they have their own schedules and they just don’t have time to jam in the streets. If my friends were here and we feel like doing something crazy, we would definitely give some (FUN) time on this. *evil laughs*

On Hating

I’msobitterwatchmewalkaway.

THIS IS VIRUS. The more I hinder myself not to be bitter, the more bitter I become. Don’t expect me to talk. Don’t expect me to smile. Don’t bother cheering me up. I don’t need anybody’s comfort. I don’t need you. I need to compose myself and just be alone. The monster in me is growing and I’m letting it grow. I hate people. I hate everybody. I hate the world.

Forever Grateful

I love you, God— you make me strong. God is bedrock under my feet, the castle in which I live, my rescuing knight. My God—the high crag where I run for dear life, hiding behind the boulders, safe in the granite hideout. (Psalm 18:1 MSG)

Hello

THIS IS A COMMAND.

Fail yung R at saka yung guhit pababa. Nevertheless, I had fun doing this typography.

Continuum

If you didn’t actually understand my previous post, because I’m a bad writer. And our mind just can’t be on the same page, then I have to keep it simple. Well, I just wanted to say that without God, we will go our own way. And by going our own ways would just declare how stupid human beings could be. See how my brain functioned when I was lost? It was a disaster; if not, almost.

I was already in Love, but I chose to go astray. Because I am a sheep. I’ll forever be the most stupid sheep among the mob.

Nothing can ever fill the void in our hearts except God. Money can’t buy us happiness, simply because happiness is intangible. Maybe it made you happy, but not for long. Tomorrow you will still feel dejected. And when you’re in that state, you can’t proudly say, “I bought happiness and I should be so happy like I’ve never been happier!” Stop it. You didn’t really own happiness. You are still empty. All along, you thought you owned happiness, but you’ve just been trolled. (Yup. Imagine the trolling image of that famous internet meme in front of you saying “April Fools!”) And the worst part is, you’re the person behind that trolling image, trolling yourself. See how far your foolishness could go?

Something’s Wrong

My Bible has been sleeping for two weeks. I tried to summon it, but I think I’ve lost the power to do so. Lack of energy and urge, those could really pull you way way downward. All I do is sleep and play. Shame on me. I am really trying my hardest, but I don’t know…there’s just really something wrong with me.

Money can’t buy you happiness, but yesterday I proved that very wrong. I bought a postcard book, camera, and a book; I was delighted. They are worldly desires, but they made me honestly happy. I assume it is real happiness, because until now bliss still lingers in me. Until I felt the guilt slowly creeping into my aorta. I have become a monster who only think of herself. At that moment, I never thought of my friends. (Friends, if ever you read this, pardon me.) I, somehow, felt a sense of fulfillment because, for once, friends weren’t the reason behind my delight. Then I came up with a theory this morning: the reason why most people love money more than humans is because they haven’t been given or shown proper love. I mean if you were not shown or given proper love by human beings, then you’d rather divert your love to other things. Why? Because they just fill that empty void that people fail to do so. Does that make sense? Or my mind has just blown out of proportion?

Anyway, I don’t know why I told you that story. But currently, I am reading Psalms. I am most frustrated because I have started reading this since November 28, 2011 and until now I’m stuck at it. I’m at Psalm 26 right now and I don’t want to read the next chapter yet. It’s hard. It’s like forcing yourself to eat your hatest food on earth. I want to skip Psalms and Proverbs and continue with Ecclesiastes. KILL.ME.PLEASE.

It’s funny how March was preceded by April. March, April! It’s like commanding April to move forward and keep marching on. This gives me a sense of encouragement. And I hope it will last for a while.